I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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