Soap is not a condiment
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize