Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
