idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
