I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
