Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
