I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
