I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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