My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
