If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
