I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
