I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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