They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
