I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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