i already hear my dad disowning me
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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