That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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