there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
