Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
