Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You are a genius and a whore.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize