sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
