Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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