Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I deserve this hangover.
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