Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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