Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
