He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
