i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
