I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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