Please, let me fuck your mom
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I need to align my fucking chakras
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize