Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
