I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
