apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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