It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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