You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
