i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
only you would photoshop your dick
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
