I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
