GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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