mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
