My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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