Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
