FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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