he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
