We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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