Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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