I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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