6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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