I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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