I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
