I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
