This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize