1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
