Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
