mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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