The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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