apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
