I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
