im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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