People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
