my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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