Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize