he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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