When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
