the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
