i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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