can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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