It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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