I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
