i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
