this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
