if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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