my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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